Two lovers on the same day.

I had such a great time working with N in his studio today. It was all about fun and work.  We joked abound and laughed a lot.  We didn't even hug...no physical contact of any kind.   It was great.  There's always so much tension between us every time we meet; we try not to be intimate, we try to fight urges but we always give in eventually.  Today, I felt really good.  We didn't feel guilty.  We successfully had quality time together without being intimate.  Maybe we could be friends.  Maybe it's possible.  I could tell that he was really happy to spend time with me like this.. I have always been hidden as his escape- but today I was in his reality.  He told me that he would have time for me this Sunday.  I didn't ask what he meant by it... today was our first step to be friends.  Does he want to do something together as friends?  or does he want to have sex with me as always? 

I was happy and emotional.  I don't want to lose N.  I want to keep him in my life somehow.  We have screwed up as lovers way too many times.  It seems impossible for us to become just friends.  We just can't keep our hands off each other.

Then Mr. D told me that he could come by after his business dinner.  I was very happy since he cancelled on me at the last minute yesterday, but I was busy being emotional over N!  I can't handle 2 lovers on the same day emotionally... 

So Mr. D came over.  We discussed our Las Vegas trip.  I want to take the Eiffel tower ride at Paris!  I have been to that hotel but never been up on the deck.  It's supposed to be "the most romantic view of Las Vegas"!  I want to hang by the pool..want to go to night clubs...so many things I want to do with him!!  Will he take me shopping there??  I'm not sure what his budget is..

We made love.  Since we no longer use condom, we again talked about a baby.  Even though he wants one but seems to be really stressed imagining it..  Again he said I shouldn't give up a normal relationship and marriage.  "Baby needs a father.  This baby will grow up without a father..how can I do that to this child?"    Probably I shouldn't bring up this topic anymore for a while.  He is really stressed over everything right now.

Mr. D doesn't check his emails anymore from home.  Not even on his cell phone.  We used to email each other every night.  I miss talking to him at night.