Devastated

A nice surprise visit from Mr. D.  He stayed for about an hour and a half.  He told me he had figured me out...and yes that's true!  He can make me cum every time now :)  For the first time, it even felt good when I was on top of him...usually I don't really feel anything when I'm on top (of anyone).

Then I had dinner with my friend, Richard.  Over dinner, he gave me the shocking news that completely destroyed me inside.  I kept a smile on. He didn't suspect anything.  This friend of mine is a doctor and I saw him as a patient a couple times in the past.  My lover or whatever, N, became his patient a while ago which was a total coincident.  N found him on his own and later I found out that it's my friend Richard who became his doctor!  Richard told me, "Thank you so much for referring your friend N (I didn't, but he think I did). He also brought in his girlfriend!  She is so adorable!  Have you met her yet?  She is so young too, like 21.  They met when she was 19!"  I was like, WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!
But I just said, "yeah he told me about her but I didn't know she was that young!".  I tried to get more info out of him, but he didn't say anything much more about them.  Richard kept talking about something else but I heard nothing...

N told me that he needed a break for a bit in December.  We started seeing each other again in January.  He told me that "he is no longer single and we have to see each other descreetly from now on" in March. It was the first time he officially saw somebody else since we met, so I completely fell apart and couldn't stop crying, didn't know what to feel, shocked and angry.  I ended up taking a cab to him right then, even though it was like 2 am, then we had sex.  So I knew he was seeing somebody already, but they met 2 years ago?  He met her while we were together already?  And all these years I have been completely hidden.  We were dating but I was never his girlfriend.  He never gave me that title.  He even told me that he never wanted to be my bf.  I accepted all the shit because first of all, I had no choice.  I always knew he loved me and he needed me almost as much as I loved him and needed him.
He always said that he wasn't a relationship type not because he wanted to see other people but he just didn't like the label.  He is also famous. And all of a  sudden, he announces to the world, this young girl is his gf?  She is 25 years younger than him!  He never wanted to be my bf but he lets the public know that she is his gf?  I was again falling apart.  I felt like crying.  Too much information to process. I emailed him while I was still with Richard, "I heard about your gf.  I'm really really heart broken. I can't go through this anymore".  Then he sent me a good bye email; he accepts my decision of not seeing him anymore and he will not contact me again.  Typical.  Whenever I confront him and when the situation gets tough, he wastes no time dropping me.  N never wants to deal with troubles.  We broke up a million times in the past.  Obviously we got back together every single time..

I pretended to go home and Richard put me in a cab.  I asked N if I could come over and he told me to meet him in his office.  We talked about his current work a bit first then sat down on his couch.  I didn't tell him how I heard about his gf today.  I asked him, "why is she so much more important than me?"  He didn't answer.  He never answers any questions.  I couldn't say anything I really wanted to say.  Why her?  why not me?  She is the public gf and I'm always the hidden lover.  why is he choosing this child over me?  He keeps coming back to me and we have been seeing each other on a regular basis.  It's obvious he desparately needs me.  It's always him asking me back.  Not me.
It is so Mr. Big and Carrie from sex and the city.  Mr. Big told carrie that he never wanted to get married.  Yet right after they broke up he married someone super young.  What the fuck.  But after many many years he finally realizes that carrie is the one...  Will N ever realize I'm the one and the only one some day?  I doubt it.

N didn't want to talk anymore so he laid down on the couch.  I started stroking his hair gently.  He always likes it when I touch his hair.  I asked him if he was comfortable and he said yes.  I told him to hold me.  He smiled so I laid next to him facing away from him.  He held me and so much emotions were coming out of him.  In no time he took my panties off and we were making love.  So much for the good bye letter!  Afterwards, he said to me,"I want to be a good man".  I asked him what he meant by it ( I knew exactly what he meant.  He doesn't want to cheat on his gf any longer), and he said he didn't want to feel guilty anymore.  I asked him, "what do you want?"  He said he would be totally ok and happy for me if I told him I found someone special and wished to stop seeing him.  Yeah right.  I broke up with him many times in the past, and even told him I started dating someone a few months ago (but I was clear on the fact that I didn't have a bf and technically I was single.  He thinks I'm daing nobody currently).  Nothing ever stopped him from coming back to me.

I know I sound like a hypocrite.  I have a sugar daddy and other guys.  But the difference is that nobody is really my bf and I'm not choosing anyone over him. I may never love anyone else more than I love him. I would drop everyone and everything for him.  But he wouldn't do the same- in fact- he would drop me first to keep other things in his life.  That is the difference between him and I.