Feeling Restless

I've been feeling restless.  Bothered by unsureness and anxiety over things on and off.  I saw N yesterday. Something didn't feel right.  I'm so tired of this 4 year long non-relationship but we don't seem to have any choice/solution to end it and move on.  We are just way too weak to let go. 

What if Ron is not the one for me?  In my head, we are getting married one day, so if I'm wrong about him, I will be totally lost.  I really really need to see him soon.  Longer I wait to see him, more pathetic I start to feel.  Meantime I need someone else, someone new to love, and I need someone to love me the way I want to be loved.  But not for good, not for real, and it has to be temporary... Hence the new arrangement.  New lover on the side who can support me financially.  I too am looking for something that is missing from my life (besides money).

There was this guy I was talking to for a bit, but I decided to drop him.  First of all, he calls himself "bear"...how weird is that??  I told him that I wouldn't call him bear, then he told me his friends called him Mike.  He kept calling himself bear because he liked it.  Second of all, he refused to send me any photo of him.  Then he cancelled our meeting in the morning that day.  I didn't repond.

I'm supposed to meet this young pot, Mr. Long Island, this Saturday.  We have so much in common, actually too much in common- we went to the same college, worked for the same company (not at the same time; we both work for different companies now but still in the same field), both a middle child, have almost the same birthday (his birthday is the day after mine)...so it's a little bit scary...we may know the same people in our lives.  I think we will get along well, but I'm concerned about a few things; he is too young for me (in his 30's), and he emails me too much.  He keeps asking for more photos, and he keeps saying, "tell me more about you".  I have sent him so many photos, and told him soooo much about me already.  What more does he want?  Well let's see how it goes on Saturday.  We will go to a nice Italian restaurant in my neighborhood for lunch. 

I'm seeing Mr. G for a drink after work next Wednesday.  He is really stretching our arrangement.  It was supposed to be once a month when we first met in December.  It will be our 4th date this month!  So he ends up giving me more and more allowance every month.  He is laid back and he doesn't bother me at all.  He never emails me but only texts me every few days or so.  He never drains me emotionally.  I really like him and we get along well.  It's all about fun and nothing deep.  Only if he could give me enough stable monthly allowance so I don't need to look for other SDs.

I didn't drink all week.  Can't wait to party with friends tomorrow.