You Are Not My Soulmate

I saw CA SD for lunch today.  I picked another great restaurant in the area that was convenient for him.  I think he is pleased with my planning skills :)  Everywhere we go, we get stares from people as he looks like my grandpa and we are always holding hands.  I really don't care if strangers assume that I'm being paid to be with him, but I'm always worried to run into someone I know.  I will have no excuse/explanation.
I noticed that his attitude and the way he talks are sometimes kind of intimidating..it's usually followed by a sweet smile so I never really paid much attention to this side of his...maybe he can be bossy and cold sometimes.  Well he is such a nice man after all and I still like him a lot.
He had a family problem to deal with, so we said good bye after 1 hr lunch.  He is flying back to California this weekend.  So I saw him only twice for lunch this month.  No sex.  I still got my monthly allowance of $3000. 

Supposedly FL SD will be back in NY for one night next weekend.  I guess I only see him once a month now.  Will he still bring me a monthly allowance of $2000?  I think he will. 

I have been pretty emotional and upset over everything lately.  I haven't seen Justin for almost a month.  We are not even talking.  I figured out what's really bothering me...he is the only guy who is not pursuing me, especially after we slept together many times.  I'm very popular in general with a lot of guys are chasing me constantly.  Even when I show no interest, many guys still keep trying to get me.  If I ever sleep with them,  they are always hooked...so for Justin to lose interest in me completely, it really hurts my feelings.  I know if I reach out to him, he will have me over in no time, but that's only because he is horny.  Not because he likes me... I feel like nobody..like I don't matter.  I really feel hurt...

I saw N in the evening.  I have been seeing a lot of him lately. We were just talking and were disagreeing on things.  I was reminded that he always thinks I'm wrong.  He never listens to me but listens to other people; like I have no credibility on anything with him.  For the first time in a long time, I didn't want him.  I felt like I was finally ready to move on from this nonsense/non-relationship of years.  No, he is not my soulmate.  No, he does not deserve me.  I know my soulmate is out there somewhere- he might be getting lost, but he will find me one day.