When One Door Closes

I was breaking up with N throughout the day.  This morning he asked me again if I could see him today.  I told him that "I'm ready to end things between us.  I'm sorry it sounds like this came out of nowhere".  His first response was: "I understand.  I'm sad but happy for you".  Probably he tought I met someone.  At the same time, he didn't take me seriously as we had broken up like million times in the past and it never worked.  This time, something tells me that it's over for real and for good.  Half hour later, he sent me a message: "This is too hard".  I replied: "It's harder for me.  I'm not dating other people and it has nothing to do with it".  A few minutes later he asked me to come with him tomorrow to Las Vegas on his business trip.  Typical.  He always avoids the talk, but instead tries to show me that he would do anything to keep me...except making me his girlfriend.  I told him it won't change anything.  He kept telling me that we have something remarkable and we should talk things over.  I kept telling him that apparently I was less remarkable and I wasn't remarkable enough, and he was choosing someone else over me.  It was his decision.  I was referring to his young girlfriend.

N and I have been together for 3 years and 3 months.  For the first 2 years he told me that he was comfortable being single at that point of his life and didn't like the lable of being a boyfriend.  He also told me that it wasn't like he wanted to date other people.  I told him I understood.  Early this year, out of nowhere he announced he was "in a relationship" with someone and he and I had to be discreet from now on.  Of course I had a major breakdown but it was too painful to let go of him so we stayed together.  How stupid and crazy of me.  I know.  But somehow we had a better and stronger relationship this year.  We saw each other often (twice a week) and we talked every day.  Our sex got even better and better.  I always knew he loved me and cared about me.  I just didn't unerstand why he agreed to be in a relationship with someone else, who was clearly too young and not that intimate with him (I know they rarely have sex).

He was trying to convince me that I shouldn't feel less important to him.  I demanded him to explain why she is his girfriend and why I'm not.  Of course he told me that he couldn't explain and didn't have an answer. "There are things we do that are beyond our reasoning and control" he said.  I told him, "The fact you are not choosing me will never change, I suppose.  Have a nice life with your girlfriend".  I know he is devastated and falling apart like I am right now.  After all, he chose to lose me.  He didn't want to break up with me but he didn't want to break up with hif girlfriend either.  I know about her but she doesn't know about me.  It's not fair.  She would never stay with me knowing he also had me.

This excluciating pain is eating me alive.  It has been for such a long time.  I never cried this much over somebody in my life.  Something tells me this time it's for real.  I knew it would end some day.  I was never ready to let go and go on with my life without him.  I'm still not ready.  I don't see my future; my future is just blank- with no one in it.

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." ----Alexander Graham Bell.