Staring At The Closed Door...

Of course I have been staring at the closed door, wanting to open and run back inside.  I have been just crying and unable to focus on anything.  Thank god N is out of town, otherwise I would be with him by now.  N kept emailing me and I told him that we will talk when he comes back to town on Monday with a smiley face...giving him the impression that we can stay together...there goes my weakness.  It's damn obvious that we really need each other and can't live without each other.  I want to tell him that I won't see him unless he breaks up with his girlfriend, which he won't.  This sounds crazy but I should be the primary girlfriend and she should be the hidden affair.  I would let him keep her, but I want him to do that behind my back.  I want her to acknowledge that I exist and I want her to know that I'm more important to him.  Yes that is the craziest thing to say, but that's how I feel.  If a miracle happens and he decides to be with me for real, I will drop all the other guys also, but I know that will never happen.  I still need my SDs also that's why I feel guilty and we don't have to be exclusive right now.  But I'm sick of being his secret mistress.  He has been trying to explain it is not like that and he spends time with me the most and I get the most attention.  The only thing I don't have is the label of girlfriend and he can not explain why I can not be his girlfriend.  Yet he refuses to break up with me. 
I know he is expecting to see me on Monday when he comes back to town, but I will tell him that I can't see him as long as he has a girlfriend.  If I don't give in, eventually he will give in and pretend to have broken up with her, and I will accept it.  That means I will be allowed back into his home and I can text him anytime I want to again (I'm not allowed to text him since she became his girlfriend.  Does she go through his phone??).  Actually he is so terrified of being caught so probably he will break up with her for real; probably will give her some excuses that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore but will keep seeing her, just not as her boyfriend. My obsession and imagination are sick and unhealthy.  Yup I know.

I used to be a smoker for 10 years.  If I could quit smoking, I should be able to quit anything.

I'm no longer excited to go to that party in Brooklyn tomorrow, but I promised my friend so I will go.  I really don't care about meeting new boys right now.

I'm going on a trip with CA SD next weekend.  I'm really not in a mood.