My Heart Belongs to You

The weekend trip turned out to be way beyond expectations.  I ended up falling hard for Dr. K.  He had been wanting me for so long, almost for 2 years prior; so he actually didn't expect much from this trip...he thought we would have fun and not much more (he didn't even bring condoms!).  I flew to him without any expectation.  I had never wanted more than a frienship from him when he used to live in NYC because of his age; I believed he was not mature enough for me despite the fact he was a doctor.  He still was a boy.
He had matured a bit since then.  I had forgotten what it was like to have a boyfriend.  To be with a young guy.  To be in a relationship.  To be a couple.  I felt like a teenager again.  Even though we had been apart since last summer, and we had never dated in the past, we started acting like a happy couple shortly after I arrived there.  It was only 3 days yet we went everywhere and we did everything in Chicago.  We danced all night at Vertigo Sky, had the most romantic dinner at Cite on the top of Lake Point Tower, strolled in Millennium Park, made out on the 96th floor of John Handcock Tower, etc.  I slept in his arms all night. 
We had to fly back home to different cities on Sunday night.  Suddenly unfamiliar feelings came over me.  We didn't expect to fall in love on this trip after being friends for 2 years, but we did.  During the trip I learned that most likely he would be moving from a city to another city for a few years (at least) due to his work.  He had no idea where he would end up living in the future ( NY is one of the options).  Overseas possibly.  It was the most painful goodbye I had ever experienced.  I didn't know how to process my feelings.  Of course we would see each other again (another business trip coming up next month) but what hurt most was the fact that we could never have a real relationship. I was in so much pain.  I felt like crying the whole time flying back.  He called me before taking off and after landing, and the next day.  We have been texting each other a lot since then.  I just can't get him off my mind.  I fell head over heels for this young doctor who lives in another state.

N asked me about my schedule for this week.  I told him I wasn't sure.  It feels strange now.  My heart belongs to Dr. K at this moment.

I saw Tom for dinner last night.  I felt like I should tell him about the trip.  I couldn't pretend everything was the same.  Something had changed inside of me.  Suddenly I wasn't happy dating an older married man.  For the first time he seemed very old.  I didn't talk about Dr. K.  I thought I was acting almost normal, but Tom picked up on something that wasn't right.  He asked me if I wanted to stop seeing him.  He said he felt like I was stuck with him- because of him I was still single and he didn't want to get in the way of me meeting a man of my dream.  I told him I wasn't sure what I should do.  He is such a wonderful guy and I love him very much, but I know I have to move on and find myself a real boyfriend.  Someone young and single.  Someone like Dr. K, if such thing exists.

Mr. G came over tonight.  All went good.  He and I have a great SD-SB relationship- completely NSA, light, easy and casual yet we sincerely care about each other.  No deep/serious emotions involved.  He gave me my allowance and a new book.  Now I read everything he reads (Dr. K also reads the same books) and we always discuss what I should read next.

I have a date with lawyer SD tomorrow night.  I lost my interest in him and I always forget about him but I still need a full allowance from him.  I'm really not in a mood to start another relationship with a new SD but I can't quit sugar dating until I find an official boyfriend.

I talked to Ron today.  Mixed feelings.  He has been the No.1 potential future husband since last summer but now I'm much more into Dr. K and I feel like Dr. K is my Mr. Right...even though he and I can not be together.

So here I am- still single and looking.  Dating sugar daddies on the side meantime.